Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Perfect Enabler

Dear Dr. Jo: My partner went out and had sex with a complete stranger he met in the local library after I told him I was going to leave him for not stopping his abuse of me, alcohol, and cocaine. This (in my perspective) has been an abusive relationship, filled with his taking advantage of my paying bills, (being the perfect enabler). When I stop enabling, the volume gets very loud. We have been separated for a year because of this.
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  1. Dr. JoJanuary 6, 2009 at 11:12 AM

    Use this time away from your partner to reflect on this situation and figure out what you want for yourself. Being an enabler is probably something you have been doing for a long time, not just with this partner. You need to learn how to be in a relationship that is healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually. One way to learn this is to start going to Alanon and/or CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. The people you meet in those meetings have all been there and done that, so to speak, and they will be a great support for you. Here is a list, from CoDA, of patterns and characteristics to help you in your self evaluation.

    Denial Patterns
    Codependents:
    • have difficulty identifying feelings,
    • Minimize, alter or deny their feelings,
    • Perceive themselves as being completely unselfish,
    • Dedicated to the well-being of others.

    Low Self-Esteem Patterns
    Codependents:
    • have difficulty making decisions,
    • judge their thought, words and actions harshly, as never being good enough,
    • are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts,
    • are unable to ask others to meet their needs or wants,
    • value other people’s approval of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors over Self- approval.

    Compliance Patterns
    Codependents:
    • compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people’s Anger,
    • are very sensitive to others’ feelings and assume the same feelings,
    • are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long,
    • place a higher value on others’ opinions and feelings, and are too afraid to express differing viewpoints or feelings,
    • accept sex as a substitute for love

    Control Patterns
    Codependents:
    • believe most others are incapable of taking care of themselves
    • attempt to convince others what they should think and feel,
    • become resentful when others refuse their offers of help
    • freely offer advice and guidance without being asked
    • lavish gifts and favors on those they care about,
    • use sex to gain approval and acceptance,
    • have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others

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